On the way home I started reading it to myself, mainly to drown out the crying baby in the backseat. It is written by a woman who became a stepchild and then became a stepmother herself. It was fate I found this book. I never was a stepchild, thank the Lord, my parents are still together. I never had stepsiblings either. In fact the whole experience of step anything was completely new to me. I knew being a stepmom would be difficult and trying but until I was with my stepsons for multiple weeks in a row I had no idea of just how hard it would be.
Beside myself with what to do at times I couldn't find comfort in looking to my family for experienced advice. This was foreign to me. Yes my life journey was a little varied from everyone in my family, we all have our own journey's, but for the most part I was typically able to lean on any one of them. Not that they didn't have good advice this time. For not having been through it themselves they actually had amazing advice. But for me, it was like I was suddenly part of a club. A stepparent's club. Of which I have no one in my immediate area in that club that I could lean on. My mother in law is also a stepmom and I have been able to heed her advice for which I am grateful. There's just something about being able to have a support system physically there to be able to run to. I almost feel like I need to join a stepparent's support group. Anyway, getting off track.
Back to the book. I strongly recommend this book for anyone who is a stepparent or is married to one. I think for the biological parents it can help you understand the emotions and trials your spouse may be dealing with. The book made me laugh and almost brought me to tears. It also put a little fear into my heart of what I may be having to look forward to in the future.
As I read I pondered my relationship that I have tried to have with my stepsons so far. It has been only a year and a half since we entered each others lives and they are still very young. Maybe not even quite understanding what to think of this new dynamic to their family. Many things went through my head. First being sadness. Sadness for them and for my husband that they are not constant in each other's lives. That they have to look forward to short trips to be able to spend any amount of time together. The not understanding of the boys as to why they can't be with their dad or why they can't see him more often.
Then my thoughts turned to, forgive me, but a sort of self pity. Yuck that was hard to write. Self pity because I want so badly to have a relationship with them. I have so much love for them and want so desperately for them to have a constant love for me. Maybe a little much to ask of them being so young? It's scary being a stepparent. You're a parent but then not. The chances of them even remembering me between visits is slim. Me on the other hand, I remember them every day. I pray for them every day. I'm scared for them every day. And I'm happy for them every day. Do they know this? No. Why? Because I'm not their parent. I don't have the right to talk to them and build that relationship in between visits. It is more of a one way relationship than a parent has with a teenager.
My third reason for being sad is for Elsie. The same things I felt for me I felt for her. But she really is their sister and they know that. So their is more hope in that relationship and that makes me happy. :) The sadness I felt was more for the time they spend apart when they could be getting to know each other and love each other. But that will come as they get older and remember visits and time spent together. In this I draw hope.
Which brings me to my next feeling while reading the book. Hope. Hope in a better relationship. In being able to communicate and have a better understanding of what they feel with me being in their old home and with their dad where there mother once was. And being able to take that understanding and let it help me with knowing why they may say things or do things that would hurt me. And hoping that the hurt I may feel sometimes would not be turned back around on them. That my response may only be in love and understanding.
There were many times during their last visit when I felt like a complete failure. And other times when I wondered how the outcome had turned out so good. One morning after feeling like a failure, the older stepson was looking out the living room window not saying anything. Just standing there for a little and then without hesitation he said, "Annie"
Me: "Yes?"
Luke: "I love you"
Melted my heart and I replied, "I love you too, Luke"
Moments like those are what keep me going. Moments like those make me forget the angry words he spoke when sent to his room. Moments like those make me feel like he does care. Like he does know and does really love me. Those are the moments I hang on to for dear life when hoping they remember me.
And now for pictures of their last visit for your viewing pleasure and so you can see that they did have a blast with us. :D
2 comments:
Annie, those little boys are so sweet and they are lucky to have you for a stepmom. Take it from me, as a stepchild... it is rare and wonderful to have a stepparent who values the parent/child relationship and encourages it. Luckily my relationship with my stepmom is great now, but there were many ways that her actions and attitudes deprived me of my dad when I most needed him as a teenager and young adult. You've shown incredible maturity and grace and desire to follow Christ in how you are approaching this. You really are pivotal in making things go right and it sounds like you are doing it.
Thanks Jen, that almost made me cry :)
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